A Narrow Escape

Escaping from the toils of his enemies, after having regretfully killed a missionary in self-defense, the naïf young scholar Candide and his worldly-wise valet Cacambo rode their horses into an unknown country where they found no road. Candide was disguised in the costume of his recent victim.

At last, a beautiful plain traversed by streams met their eyes. Coming to a halt and dismounting, they began to eat of the provisions they had taken with them. Suddenly, the two wanderers heard faint cries which seemed to be uttered by women. They could not tell whether these were cries of pain or of joy; but they rose hastily with that alarm and uneasiness caused by everything in an unknown country.

These cries came from two completely naked girls who were running gently along the edge of the plain, while two monkeys pursued them and bit their buttocks. Candide was moved to pity; he had learned to shoot among the Bulgarians and could have brought down a nut from a tree without touching the leaves. He raised his double-barreled Spanish gun, fired, and killed the two monkeys.

"God be praised, my dear Cacambo, I have delivered these two poor ladies from a great danger; if I committed a sin by killing a missionary, I have atoned for it by saving the lives of these two girls. Perhaps, even though naked, they are young ladies of quality and this adventure may be of great advantage to us in this country."

He was going on, but his tongue clove to the roof of his mouth when he saw the two girls tenderly kissing the two monkeys, shedding tears on their bodies and filling the air with the most piteous cries.

"I did not expect so much human Ribald Classic(continued from preceding page) kindliness," he said at last to Cacambo, who replied:

"You have performed a wonderful masterpiece; you have killed the two lovers of these young ladies."

"Their lovers! Can it be possible? You are jesting at me, Cacambo; how can I believe you?"

"My dear Master," replied Cacambo, "you are always surprised by everything; why should you think it so strange that in some countries there should be monkeys who obtain ladies' favors? They are partly men, as I am partly Spaniard."

"Alas!" replied Candide, "I remember having heard my tutor say that similar accidents occurred in ancient times and that these mixtures produced centaurs, fauns, satyrs, and suchlike hybrids; that several eminent persons of antiquity have seen them; but I thought they were fables."

"You ought now to be convinced that it is true," said Cacambo, "and you see how people behave when they have not received a proper education; the only thing I fear is that these ladies may get us into difficulty."

These wise reflections persuaded Candide to leave the plain and to plunge into the woods. He ate supper there with Cacambo; and the two men, after having cursed their luck, went to sleep on the moss. When they woke up they found they could not move; the reason was that during the night the Oreillons, the savage inhabitants of the country, to whom they had been denounced by the two ladies, had bound them with ropes made of bark. They were surrounded by fifty naked Oreillons of both sexes, armed with arrows, clubs and stone hatchets. Some were boiling water in a cauldron, others were preparing spits and they were all shouting:

"Here's a missionary, here's a missionary! We shall be revenged for those long sermons we have suffered in the past and have a good dinner; let us eat the missionary, let us eat the missionary!"

"I told you so, my dear Master," said Cacambo sadly. "I knew those two girls would play us a dirty trick."

Candide perceived the cauldron and the spits and exclaimed:

"We are certainly going to be roasted or boiled. Ah! It is very cruel to be spitted by the Oreillons!"

Cacambo never lost his head.

"Do not despair," he said to the wretched Candide. "I understand a little of their dialect and I will speak to them."

"Do not fail," said Candide, "to point out to them the dreadful inhumanity of cooking men and how very unchristian it is."(concluded on page 63)Narrow Escape(continued from page 26) "Gentlemen," said Cacambo, "you mean to eat a missionary today? 'Tis a good deed; nothing could be more just than to treat one's enemies in this fashion. Indeed, the law of nature teaches us to kill our neighbor and this is how people behave all over the world. If we foreigners do not exert the right of actually eatingour neighbor, it is because we have other means of making good cheer; but you have not the same resources as we, and it is certainly better to eat one's enemies than to abandon the fruits of victory to ravens and crows. But, gentlemen, you should not wish to eat your friends.You believe you are about to place a missionary on the spit, but 'tis your defender, the enemy of your enemies, you are about to roast. I was born in your country; the gentleman you see here is my master and, far from being a missionary, he has just killed a missionary and is wearing his clothes; which is the cause of your mistake. To verify what I say, take his gown, carry it to the first barrier of the kingdom of Los Padres and inquire whether my master has not killed a missionary. It will not take you long and you will have plenty of time to cat us if you find I have lied. But if I have told the truth, you are too well acquainted with the principles of public law, good morals and discipline not to pardon us."

The Oreillons thought this a very reasonable speech: they deputed two of their notables to go with all diligence and find out the truth. The two deputies acquitted themselves of their task like intelligent men and soon returned with the good news.

The Oreillons unbound the two prisoners, overwhelmed them with civilities, gave them refreshment, and turned over to them the two naked girls who had been the cause of their previous misfortune. "Do with them what you will!" said the Oreillons. Candide and Cacambo did so, and the two girls, after some time had passed, admitted that they no longer regretted the loss of their monkeys.

The monkeys were chasing two completely naked girls.