Be Well Rounded

more pertinent pointers on succeeding with women without really trying

The Girl Of Your Choice will want to be proud of you. Make it easy for her.

You may say, as you look fondly upon yourself, that it is impossible for her not to be proud of you.

Do not be deceived. Few women have your own keen judgment of character, few the insight to peer much below the surface of your deep waters.

Thus it is not the essential you that we will discuss in this installment, but rather the brave mask that you put on for the world -- and particularly for women -- to see.

You should be well-rounded. By "well-rounded" we hasten to add that we do not mean actually "rounded" at all, since all brain workers, as we pointed out last month, are round enough already.

Be Physical

You must decide quickly whether you want to have great strength or great weakness. There is no middle ground. If you cannot be a bronzed Apollo with a barrel chest and a wasp waist -- and so few of us can -- it is best to be puny.

Use this simple rule of thumb: if you can't pick her up with one hand, plan your physique so that she can pick you up, or want to, which is almost the same.

Be helpless.

"Here, let me get it, pet."

"Oh, no, Davie, it's no trouble."

"I'll make it all right."

(Don't make a play for pity.)

"Sure?"

"Just let me rest first. I feel fluttery."

"You sit right there, Davie. Phoebe will get it."

(You have established willingness and a desire to help, which are good. But with the one word "fluttery" you have placed yourself, so to speak, on a velvet cushion.)

This will not only save your energy, but will help to build a strong healthy body for your companion, and will increase her affection for you by leaps and bounds.

Be Mental

There has long been a suspicion that a woman does not appreciate a man's mind. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Women like to think they are in the company of intellectuals. By all means make them think so.

It is much better, however, to seem to be a mental giant than to be one. The real article is often surly and preoccupied. He wastes long hours over books and has little time for women. You will soon learn that if there is anything women require a great deal of, it is time.

But how, you say, can I seem to be a mental giant? For one thing, look like one.

There are two types of intellectuals: the sweat shirt type and the tweed coat type. No need to add that the sweat shirt wearer, often shaggy and aromatic, will find himself spurned by women everywhere.

The tweedy intellectual should be decorated with a pipe, clamped firmly in the teeth but not smoked. All women "like pipes" but not the fumes from them. Light it occasionally but allow it to go out quickly. It will do this anyhow.

Have the head trimmed regularly, but train one forelock to dangle carelessly across the forehead.

Your setting will be important, too. At least one wall of books is essential. Display prominently two or three shelves of paper bound books in French.

"Sartre! My, Davie, I think he's divine, don't you?"

"Don't ever touch him in English, though, darling. Matter of rhythm. Breaks down utterly."

(Snatch up any volume, read off a sentence or two. Never translate.)

"There. See what I mean? It flows, dammit, it flows."

"It certainly does, David. It's so -- so French!"

A half dozen volumes in some obscure language, say Arabic or Sanskrit, are excellent. Pretend almost total ignorance of the language.

"No, no, really! Just stumble through it. Nothing but imagery anyway, when you pin it down."

Several racks of records are de rigueur. One refreshing approach is to ignore utterly the classical records.

"Hope you're a real aficionado, darling. Let me try this on you. An old ditty done years ago by the Connecticut Yankees."

"Oh?"

"Forget the melody. Concentrate on the underbeat. Something, well, terribly real about it. Frightening, almost."

With most females it is possible to put on a dazzling display of intellectual virtuosity with a minimum of research.

"Oh, Davie, the Stravinsky!"

"Do you love him, too? I find him rather, well, encompassing."

"And vital."

"You've got him there. Vital. In a moribund sort of way."

The skillful male can keep this up for hours, whether or not he is familiar with the work of art under discussion. The only danger lies in being specific. For example, the above conversation could take a bad turn:

"And vital."

"Vital? How do you mean exactly? True, the first thirty-two bars of the prelude have a definite lilt, but beyond that -- will you help me with the counter melody?"

Such an approach will win few friends.

Be Educated

Why is it that women can spot the well-educated man at a glance? Surely not for the dull facts and figures that are forgotten so quickly, or the scent of dusty volumes.

No, there is a rich luster that seems in some mysterious way to cling to those who spend years behind well-chosen ivied walls.

Remember, however, that you are preparing yourself for your life in the world of business, too. Here, where women do the actual work, as we will see, your function will be guidance, and for this you will need a firm hand and a clear head. The years you spend in college will be wasted if, for example, you know the date of the Battle of Waterloo, yet have faint heart and tarnished mettle for the daily battles you will have to fight.

Your relations with women while you are in school should be no problem. Women at neighboring girls' colleges are essentially the same as their less fortunate sister anywhere. After you have learned to speak their idiom, and have adopted their carefree ways, you will find they are just as hungry for your friendship and affection, just as eager to have a firm shoulder on which to lean.

Treat them the way you would any woman and you will be surprised and pleased at the result.

"Should I Choose An Art?"

Being a writer, painter, or musician is bound to increase your hold over women. If you have an independent income, or wealthy women friends, by all means choose an art. Affectionate females will flock to you.

1. Be a Writer?

If you have no special talent in any direction, choose a waiting career. No real training or ability is necessary, and little expensive or messy equipment is required.

Anyone can write. If you have been (continued on page 69)Be Well Rounded(continued from page 61) told that you "write a fine letter" (and who has not?) then the battle is half over. You need only an old typewriter, a well-thumbed copy of Roget's Thesaurus, and a far-away look in your eye.

Women will gather like flies. Writers, you will discover, are to women what catnip is to cats.

If you doubt this, you have only to note the enormous sums of money made by writers who lecture before women's clubs. These men are firmly established in the women's minds as Writers, and are billed as such, though most of them now need to waste little time actually writing.

You, too, must remember that every hour spent cooped up with a typewriter is an hour lost forever to your women friends. Squander these golden hours if you will, but they will not return.

2. Be a Painter?

Many will say, "We can't even write a letter!" If you are one of these, if you do not even know the elements of grammar (and many do not) you may either take to writing modern poetry, or more easily, be a painter.

Art has come a long way since grandfather's day. No need to bother learning perspective, drawing, anatomy, or other technical details that used to make art so tedious. Be abstract! A good abstract painter with some bright colors and a ready tongue can do some mighty daring stuff and -- what is more important -- explain it.

Remember this easy rule: paint it first and explain it later. Starting with a preconceived idea is not only dangerous but may preoccupy you and interfere with your conversation in the studio.

Dress as though you had stepped out of one of your own paintings, a riot of gay colors. Contrasting shirt and slacks can be daubed carelessly with splashes of intermediate shades.

Use water colors. They dry quickly on the clothes and wash easily off face and hands.

3. Be a Musician?

Though it is true that music can melt fair hearts, it has not yet advanced to the point at which it can be mastered by everyone. Leave it alone.

You face hours of boring practice, the buying of much expensive equipment, and the baleful looks of landlords and close neighbors.

Socially your music will be a drawback. Everywhere you go you will be expected to perform, working away at a keyboard while the writer and artist are off in cozy corners pursuing their own ends.

In short, where women are concerned, music may bring you public acclaim, but little real affection.

"Should I Seem Rich?"

We may assume that you, who have digested our earlier treatise on succeeding in business, are by now quite wealthy. "Should I," so many of you ask, "make a secret of my money -- or even, perhaps, give it away?"

The answer is no. Keep your money. Make no secret of it. There are women who are attracted by it, though it is certainly not true, as so many have claimed, that women are influenced by money alone.

Often men with fine characteristics have been chosen freely over men without those fine qualities when their incomes were almost the same.

To women money isn't everything.

Some believe that in courting wealthy women it is best to seem poor, even if you are not, on the ground that it will bring out a sort of financial mother instinct.

How misguided is this point of view! Granted that women are fine, warmhearted creatures, they are rarely sentimental where money is concerned.

If she is rich, make it clear that money is of no concern to you. You are above it.

"Money! I'm bored with the whole idea of money, Jo."

"I know how you feel, Davie. I'm always afraid people are after my money."

"You, too? Mother always used to say, 'Davie, never let a girl know you're a Van Belt.' "

"Are you?"

"There, is slipped. Pretend I never said it, Jo. Twice removed, really. We've always tried to live simply."

You may be forced, on occasion, to show the color of your money. If temporarily strapped, be bold:

"Should have that much in change, darling, but every blasted sou is in escrow! Can't touch it till Epiphany."

How To Drink

Do not try to enjoy liquor for its own sake. Drink is an evil unless it is used in the right way and for the right reasons.

However, when carefully studied by the wise but fun-loving male, hetero sexual drinking can play a strong part (continued on page 71)Be Well Rounded(continued from page 69) in increasing affection, lowering barriers, and stripping off some of the excess veneer of civilization.

Be careful not to strip off too much. Those who allow themselves to overdo will soon find themselves with a decreasing circle of female companions.

Know Your Liquors.

You will discover that not one woman in fifty can tell, by taste alone, the difference (concluded on next page) between Haig and Haig Pinch and Old Plaid Simulated Scotch-type Whiskey, though she'll ask for the former every time.

Remember this rule: a woman is happy if she thinks she is drinking the brand of her choice. Night club owners have known this for years. If you can tell the difference yourself, mix the drinks out of sight and take advantage of the real article.

"Will you have Johnny Walker?"

"Yes, Davie, if you have the black. Not the red. There is such a difference."

"Pet, I wouldn't be caught dead with the red label."

Give her Old Plaid. After taking a long draught she'll say:

"No question, David, there is such a difference!"

"Rare to find a girl who appreciates good liquor, pet."

Keep a Funnel.

For the troublesome girl who wants to pour it herself, the foresighted male keeps a number of empty bottles of all the big name brands of Scotch, Bourbon, Rye, and so on. These will last for years if cared for properly, and can be filled countless times with your local liquor dealer's own Blend.

Avoid filling too full -- about three quarters is good -- and occasionally dust lightly. No need to wash between fillings. Alcohol is a fine antiseptic and will keep them sanitary and germ-free.

Avoid Drunkeness.

Know your own capacity and -- even more important -- that of your women friends. The over-generous host who allows his female companion to become super-saturated will find he has a poor companion.

If, on the other hand, you are entertaining a woman of formidable capacity (and there are many such) you may have to take precautionary measures. A rack of spare ribs, a half cup of melted lard, or other fatty substance, taken shortly before imbibing will prevent giddiness and maintain firmness of purpose.

The wise male, for reasons of economy, soon rids himself of girls of this stripe.

"Should I Drink to Forget?"

Though drinking may help you to forget yourself occasionally, it is of small value in blotting out the memory of a pretty face, unless you reach the point at which all faces are blotted out. No need to discuss here the confusion that this can cause.

The only proper way to forget one woman is to find another, a subject that will be fully covered in later issues of Playboy.

Onward!

Once you feel you are sufficiently well-rounded, you are ready to embark on life's greatest adventure. You are ready to select your first wife.

Next Month:

"Selecting Your First Wife"