Confessions of an American Button Man

Dried up? ... Is that what they're saying in there? That I've lost my ideas? ... Me? ... Charley Barkus -- the greatest idea man the button industry has ever known -- all dried up? Ha! Just like the Atlantic Ocean is dried up ... Just like the Hudson River is dried up.

Do you know who is dried up? Those smart guys in there ... the Button Manufacturers of America ... sitting on their fat behinds and chewing their fat cigars and squeezing their fat heads for an idea ... just one fresh idea that might bring the button industry back from the edge of chaos.

A year ago they wouldn't have left me sitting out here ... No sir! A year ago they'd have called for Charley Barkus, greatest idea man in the industry.

The Button Brain they called me ... and why not ...

Who was it invented the game "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" Who was it wrote the song Button Up Your Overcoat? Who was it saved the industry during the depression by promoting "Tiddly Winks" into a national pastime? Eh? Charley Barkus, that's who -- Ol' Button Brain Barkus!

And what happened during World War II, when I answered the call to arms? Why the button industry just naturally fell apart, that's what happened. The double-breasted suit went out; two-button suits came into vogue, then one-button suits and zipper flies and French cuffs and elastic-top pants and slipover sweaters.

I tell you, when I returned to civilian life (after distinguishing myself with the great wartime slogan, "Button Your Lip"), I found the country wrapped up (concluded on page 73)Button Man(continued from page 23) in zippers, snappers, hooks and clamps -- and the button boys were hanging on by a thread.

So what did they do? What could they do? They called for Barkus, The Button Brain. And I answered the call with one of my greatest ideas: a collar that buttoned down!

"Genius!" That's what they called it. And we gave it the full promotion. We started it first in the Eastern colleges and with the advertising executives up and down Madison Avenue. Before long the button-down collar was sweeping the country and we had established a foot-hold in fashion.

My next big promotion was the three-button suit; I started a "Return to the old fashioned fly" movement; and when the country took to my button on the back of the shirt collar fad, I knew I really had them.

Sure, those other guys hollered. The zipper guys -- they yelled we were jamming them up. The elastic boys screamed we were snapping their backs and the collar-bar boys -- they cried we were choking them off. But it didn't mean a thing. Our fighting slogan was "Button up America" and we weren't going to leave any loopholes.

Well, the button industry was really riding high -- thanks to Ol' Button Brain -- and they hadn't seen nothin' yet, because I had plans for a sensationally conservative 52-button suit, with button cuffs, button lapels and a return to grandfather's high-button shoes. The industry was really looking up ... but they should have glanced downward, too. For there, there where the last shirt button ended and the first fly button began, there it was -- the symbol of their doom -- the buckle.

I warned them. "Don't chuckle at the buckle," I said.

"Make it a clean sweep," I said.

"Put on a big Button Belt campaign and polish them off before they get started," I said.

But the button boys were cocky. Fat and cocky and busy signing juicy contracts with the garment industry. So they laughed.

But the laughs faded when the buckle suddenly appeared on the back of men's trousers. When buckle-in-the-back Bermuda shorts swept the country last summer, the button boys got really nervous. When men's caps enjoyed a sudden revival with a buckle on the back, panic struck the industry. Then they cried for Barkus. Too late.

I came up with an emergency motto: "Don't Knuckle to the Buckle." I tried button watch bands, button-down ties and button handkerchiefs, but nothing helped. So they blamed me -- said I was dried up -- but they just waited too long.

The buckle boys had moved in and with smart promotion and big money advertising, they're ready to buckle down the whole damn country: the buckle-down shirt, the three-buckle suit, buckle flies, buckle ties, buckle shoes and buckle shorts -- they aren't going to miss a trick.

And so these big button tycoons are sitting in there chewing on their cigars and trying to come up with an idea that will save their industry.

And they think I'm all dried up, eh? They say I'm missing a few buttons, eh? Well, I'll tell you something: those smart guys -- they'll sweat for a while and squirm for a while and then do you know what they'll do? That's right. They'll call out for Barkus. For Charley Barkus -- the greatest idea man in the industry -- the Button Brain.

They'll come to me on their knees -- L. P. Hutton of Hutton's Buttons, Gold and Finkle of Gold and Finkle, Harry Son of Smith and Son -- all of them.

They'll say: "Charley, save us. Give us an idea. Give us one of your great ideas!" And you know what I'll do? I'll let them squirm for a while and sweat for a while and then I'll give them an idea -- I'll give them the greatest button idea of them all: Button-Down Buckles.

That's right, button-down buckles -- and if those buckle bastards come up with a buckle-down button-buckle, why then we'll bring out a button-down buckle-button-buckle, and if they ...

We plan on buttoning up America ...

... They intend to buckle it down.