I Can Kiss Your What?

a guy's guide to martial arts

You want to beef up and kick some ass, so you enlisted at a dojo down the street. A month later, and you're still doing gentle hip movements. What gives? While no art is necessarily better than any other, martial arts can be tedious—if you don't pick one that matches your interests. Are you meditative or competitive? Do you want philosophy attached to your training or is it enough just to kick a heavybag? Matching your temperament with a school of study will go a long way toward creating enthusiasm. With that in mind, here's a quick guide to the disciplines.

Aikido: Aikido is a nonviolent art that uses flowing, circular movements to turn your opponent's weight and momentum against him. Study stresses gracefulness, so expect plenty of stretching and some physical exertion. Black belts get to ditch the regular uniform and don a giant black pant-skirt called a hakama.

Capoeira: A Brazilian martial art originally developed by African slaves more than 300 years ago, Capoeira looks like a combination of break dancing and drunken cartwheels. While drums and a bow-shaped instrument called a berimbau provide background music, "players" stand in a circle and wait turns to face off against one another with handstand kicks and leg-sweeps. Though the kicks are powerful, emphasis is usually on simply touching the opponent.

Hapkido: A hybrid of karate, judo and aikido, this school emphasizes the balance of opposites: passivity against a hard attack, powerful countermoves against soft attacks. Maneuvers consist mainly of large kicks and lots of aikido-style circular movement, while advanced training includes using staffs, canes, nun-chucks and other weapons. The hero in Billy Jack used hapkido (he could also have used some acting classes).

Jeet kune do: "Absorb what is useful" is the tenet of this art, developed by Bruce Lee. And, frankly, who knew more about pummeling someone than Bruce Lee? Loosely, JKD encompasses kung fu and Western boxing, but Lee instructed his pupils to learn from every source to develop a ruthlessly efficient nonstyle.

Judo: A Japanese art turned Olympic sport, judo is stylized wrestling using a set of defined movements, throws and holds. Consider losing your beer belly before signing up. Judo's grappling moves and high-intensity practices (including plenty of trips to the mat) are rough on the abs. Sorry to disappoint, but there's no such move as a judo chop.

Jujitsu: An ancient family of arts that uses short-, medium- and long-range attacks, including strikes, kicks, chokes and joint locks. Jujitsu's maneuvers are so vicious that dojos suffered a high injury rate, prompting practitioners to weed out the most dangerous moves to create judo. The Gracie family of Brazil used their Brazilian jujitsu to win several years' worth of Ultimate Fighting Championships, so it's definitely capable of saving your butt in a dark alley.

Kali (also called arnis or escrima): This Filipino art uses two rattan or bamboo sticks and sometimes a (fake) knife to decimate an attacker. Although empty-handed techniques are taught, this art stresses the use of weapons. Particular attention is paid to disarming an opponent during combat, an aim expressed in sayings such as "Break the hand and the stick will fall."

Karate: One of the most popular arts, karate is also one of the oldest. Chinese texts trace its origin back 3000 years. As with other Asian imports, there are dozens of styles to choose from, including Japanese, Chinese, Korean and Okinawan. A good match for guys who want to throw a punch in a short amount of time and learn how to break wood bare-handed.

Kickboxing: More a sport than a martial art, American kickboxing is an offshoot of full-contact karate, with an emphasis on competition. Its first national exposure in the U.S. came in 1970, when Joe Lewis, fresh from training with Bruce Lee, knocked out Greg Baines to become the first heavyweight kickboxing champion. Training is a highly aerobic workout heavy on kicks and bag work, so expect to sweat.

Kung fu (also gung fu or wu shu): A catchall describing hundreds of different Chinese fighting arts that collectively cover weaponry, strikes, kicks and throws. Also includes the study and use of pressure points, an effective way to slow down a larger opponent when brute force won't cut it.

Savate: You mean the French actually have a martial art? This competition-oriented form of kickboxing was named savate (pronounced savat] after a common term for a street shoe, earning it a reputation as a street-fighting technique. It might not have the mystique of an Asian martial art, but you'll look Paris fashionable wearing its uniform of a tight, sleeveless, striped one-piece track suit and shoes with rubber-reinforced toes.

Tae kwon do: The Korean "art of kicking and punching" is known for spectacular legwork. An average class looks like warm-ups for a John Woo film. Forget learning tae kwon do if you can't touch your toes. The head-high kicks and roundhouses are recommended only for the relatively limber. Also a good art for women.

T'ai-chi-ch'uan: Actually a system of kung fu, t'ai-chi-ch'uan is heavy on philosophy and slow, "soft" movements designed to build health and strength. Still, 80 million skinny, elderly Chinese people can't be wrong. Just don't expect a few weeks (or even months) of t'ai-chi-ch'uan to help you pummel someone in a fistfight. Recommended for the spiritual and meditative of any shape or size.

Thai kickboxing (muay thai): Devastating attacks (slicing leg-over-hip kicks, elbows and knees) and a suck-it-up defense system consisting of shin and forearm blocks define this brutal art. Sport fighters in Thailand are typically young, because their effective careers are so short. Not recommended for wimps or whiners.

Martial Arts You Thought Were Bullshit [But Are Quite Real]

Ninjutsu: Supposedly developed by mountain mystics, "the art of stealing in" was practiced by secret clans who hired out to warlords for assassinations, spying and other clandestine operations. Armed with claws, explosives and throwing stars, ninja rely on disguises and special contraptions. Masters today concentrate more on efficient throws and joint locks than on smoke bombs. Damn.

Monkey style kung fu: Among the animal variations of kung fu (praying mantis, white crane, leopard), monkey style is the goofiest. Founded by Kou Tze, who created it while watching monkeys during an eight-year prison sentence, it uses a barrelful of unorthodox hopping, rolling and squatting maneuvers to confuse opponents before lashing out. Studied in various forms, including lost monkey, tall monkey, wood monkey and stone monkey.

Drunken Style kung fu: No, it's not what your buddies did after they saw The Matrix. The drunken forms of kung fu depend on movements not unlike booze-soaked stumbling. Oddly, training is reserved for the highest levels of various kung fu styles (drunken monkey, drunken praying mantis, etc.). According to the Original Martial Arts Encyclopedia, "the Eight Drunken Fairies set—extremely difficult—was developed by the famous eagle claw master Lau-Fat-Mang." And who hasn't heard of Lau-Fat-Mang and his eight drunken fairies?

Shao-lin kung fu: Thought by many to be the birthplace of kung fu, the Shao-lin temples housed Buddhist monks who used the martial arts to protect themselves from an oppressive government that eventually burned down their original temple. Rebuilt just south of Beijing, it's now the country's most renowned kung-fu facility. To avoid another flameout, trainees are taught a mantra that includes "I love my country. I love my people. I love the Communist Party of China."

Tae-Bo: Our mistake. Tae-Bo is bullshit.

Finding a Good School

Finding a martial arts academy isn't the hard part. The phone book lists plenty of schools, academies and dojos that vie for your tuition money with such catchphrases as "Techniques used in actual cage matches" and "Your last big fight was on a PlayStation and the only black belts you own are made of leather." Unfortunately, separating the legit schools from the Hong Kong hooey can be difficult. There are no state certifications and (concluded on page 164)Martial Arts(continued from page 112) many arts lack a sanctioning body. Those that are sanctioned often have competing or overlapping organizations, such as the Professional Karate Association, World Karate Association and Karate International Council of Kickboxing. Most schools allow you to observe classes and give you a free lesson, so be sure to use it. Here's what to look for:

Students: One class ought to give you an indication of whether the students are having fun or if they're too competitive. Keep an eye on the senior-level students and make sure they are competent and available to help out the lower ranks. Some schools rush students through a black-belt program that promotes too quickly, leading to students with lots of certificates who don't know kung fu from moo shu. Practice good self-defense by avoiding these places.

Instructors: At the minimum, they should be patient and capable of teaching students without pummeling the tar out of them. Look out for body-damaging practices disguised as training or tradition. Toughening up—everything from bare-knuckle push-ups to rolling bark-covered logs up and down the shins and forearms—is par for the course in many martial arts. Some of this may be good, but if the training hurts worse than a mugging, what's the point?

Facilities: Check out the equipment. Are there enough bags, pads and kicking shields for everyone? Are students huddled around a single crappy pad like rain-forest villagers around a black-and-white TV? Visit the lockers and showers. Remember, you'll probably be barefoot, and dojos are a prime locale for athlete's foot and other fungal friends.

No Wising Off, Grasshopper

Your classes are most likely to cost anywhere from $30 to $100 a month. That's pretty cheap, considering you'll probably go at least two days a week. Martial arts instructors aren't paid much and some even volunteer their time. Keep that in mind when you walk in the door. Every school has a list of rules, usually along the lines of bowing when you enter and leave the workout area and using what you learn in class only for self-defense. Bowing shows respect for your teachers, if only because they're eminently capable of stomping you. Defer to higher belts and instructors. Show up on time, don't talk when the teacher (usually referred to as sensei, sifu or master) explains something, don't chewegum and always use good hygiene.

Keep Track of Your Progress

All the classes in the world aren't worth a damn if you're not getting better. Improvement isn't always belts or rankings. Some studies don't even use them. Truly measuring your progress will depend on your martial art. With external arts (the more physical arts), look for greater strength, speed and agility. Combinations (sets of offensive or defensive movements) should be executed quickly. Internal arts such as t'ai-chi-ch'uan and aikido emphasize the development of inner power (ki or ch'i), so look for improved balance and greater flow with the art's movements.

You should begin to form a fight radar that will aid you in predicting your opponent's moves and countering with your own. Improving this ability should be a major goal. Developing a mental calm during training is also essential. Good fighters don't become frazzled when things get hectic. Mental awareness keeps you from freezing up in tight situations. Isn't that why you're doing this in the first place?