The Great Guessing Game

some tips on understanding the female language

Guys who criticize the sleeker sex for talking too much are missing the real point. The trouble isn't that women talk too much, it's that we men bother to listen.

Too many fellows take female conversation seriously--a fact that has always amazed the females.

Women don't talk for the same reasons that men do. They have better uses for language than mere communication. When a woman opens her mouth she is more interested, as a rule, in spreading confusion, camouflaging her thoughts, making an impression or just listening to the lovely sound of her voice.

Things would be relatively simple if there were anything immediately strange or mystic about milady's lingo. But there isn't. The words she uses sound familiar enough--but they usually mean something entirely different than the interpretation you and Webster give them. It's a little like the trouble an American runs into trying to communicate in certain other English-speaking countries.

Consider, for instance, the dismaying experience of the G.I. in Australia during World War II, when he asked a pretty little Aussie if she'd go dancing with him.

"Sorry," she apologized, "but I'm knocked up."

The war almost lost him then and there. It was only after several glassy-eyed days that he was relieved to find out that "knocked up" is a down-under colloquialism for being tired.

Here at home a similar fog frequently engulfs any male who tries to communicate rationally with a female.

For example, a woman about to go out with you stops and catches sight of herself in a mirror. She exclaims in despair, "Heavens, I look a mess!" You reassure her: "Oh, well, we're not going any place important."

You do, that is, if you want her to turn on the deep freeze.

What she naturally wants to hear from you is a gallant protest that if she looked any more delectable, you would probably break open at the seams.

Frequently she'll pitch you a curve like, "My, that girl over there has a pretty figure!" Nod your head and you're dead. If you expect to play a twi-nighter with the home team, you'd better pat back a foul ball like, "Yeah, but she's got twenty pounds too much of it!" Then you can look all you want.

This basic function of the female language--throwing out statements to be denied--isn't too difficult for the average male to fathom. But the female language often gets a bit more complex than that.

A few translations into male English may help you understand the devious logic of the feminine mind:

Femalese: "I always say that if a girl doesn't give her date the wrong idea, he'll behave like a perfect gentleman." Translation: "Brother, are you a slow ball!"

Femalese: "Personally, I prefer a smaller, conservative car. They're practical and safer, too." Translation: "My other boy friends can afford Thunderbirds and Jags."

Femalese: "I like to see a man carry himself proudly, the way you do." Translation: "Thanks for walking on your toes, Shorty. I wouldn't want anyone to think I was out with my kid brother."

Femalese: "You just don't love me anymore!" Translation: "It will take two dozen roses, a big box of candy, and dinner at Sardi's to get you out of this one!"

Femalese: "I'm sorry about the rings under my eyes, darling, but this time of year there are so many dances, parties and other social obligations a girl just doesn't have time for her beauty sleep." Translation: "If I have to sit home one more night and watch that damn Late-Late Show on TV, I think I'll go blind!"

Femalese: "Oh, I wouldn't dream of putting you to all that trouble!" Translation: "If you weren't so thoughtless, I wouldn't have had to ask you in the first place!"

Femalese: "I've never had a man say things like that to me before!" Translation: "At least not before 11 P.M. You're going to have to wine and dine this girl before she'll come across!"

Femalese: "Oh, dear, I feel so foolish--coming out without my purse this way!" Translation: "Out with the wallet, sweetheart, and hold still--this won't hurt a bit."

Femalese: "If there's anything I hate, it's a woman who passes along gossip." Translation: "Get out the clothesline--here come 40 yards of dirty linen!"

Femalese: "Why, Mr. Jones--imagine bumping into you here, of all places!" Translation: "What took you so long? You usually arrive an hour before this."

Femalese: "That suit looks wonderful on you. Would I be impertinent if I asked what you had to pay for it?" Translation: "There's no point in wasting time on you if you aren't a spender."

Femalese: "I don't know what I want to eat, darling--you suggest something." Translation: "Impress me by ordering the filet mignon."

Femalese: "Well, isn't that a coincidence! Bartok happens to be a favorite of mine, too. Tell me more about Bartok." Translation: "Like whether you speak it, bet on it, or pour it on French fried potatoes."

Femalese: "How would you like me to wear my hair--loose like this or in a pony tail? You decide!" Translation: "And that will give me the right to choose your entire wardrobe."

Femalese: "No one has ever kissed me like that before!" Translation: "But what the hell, you're bound to improve."

Femalese: "I can't stand Erskine (concluded on page 68)Guessing Game(continued from page 19) Caldwell's books. They're nothing but filth!" Translation: "I read God's Little Acre six times."

Femalese: "I suppose I'm old-fashioned, but all I want out of marriage is a husband I can love and do things for." Translation: "Like picking him up at work in the Lincoln Continental, keeping the fifteen room house spic and span and helping him enjoy those vacations in Florida."

Femalese: "I know you've made love to other women before me. Tell me the honest truth, darling--was it nicer with any of the others?" Translation: "If you say yes, you can put on your trousers and trot right back to them!"

Femalese: "I don't see anything wrong about a 27-year-old woman marrying a 66-year-old man--not if she really loves him, dear." Translation: "How much insurance did you say you have?"

Femalese: "I think your mother is just the nicest person! She seems to adore you." Translation: "Still tied to her apron strings, eh, Liberace?"

Femalese: "You know, I honestly never thought I'd meet a man I would care enough for to marry until you happened along." Translation: "Will you come quietly?"

One way to fathom the female language is to brood over a female's remark in the light of the silent question: "Now, what could be behind that crack?" Take the first unflattering conjecture that comes to mind, and you're probably right.

It is a unique characteristic of the female language that most criticism is punctuated by a question mark. For example, if a woman asks, "Where did you buy that tie?" she doesn't want to know where. She wants to know why.

On the other hand, if you happen to like the perfume she's wearing, don't sniff the air and make some charming remark about its fragrance, because she's certain to suspect you're finding a subtle way of telling her she's got body odor.

The reason for so much male-female misunderstanding is that a woman, having a forked mind, looks for the hidden meanings in men's remarks which aren't there; while a man, given to one-dimensional conversation, overlooks the hidden meanings in women's remarks which definitely are there.

A man's biggest difficulty is in deciphering when a woman's "No" really means that. He's often confused about what is expected of him in a parked car when she asks him to stop.

How can you tell when you're being brushed off, or when you're expected to storm the citadel? Let's put it this way. No woman relies on words alone to fend off a forward pass. If she confines herself to a verbal protest, or pushes you off with muscles of pure marshmallow, the drawbridge is down.

Men are frequently baffled by the fact that a wench who talks like a Polly Adler protege turns out to be a frigid Bridget whose idea of debauchery is a two-minute kiss. Don't be misled. Translated accurately, her motives are either (1) to keep you interested enough to continue taking her out by making you think you're going to score if you just keep at it; or (2) to work you up into such a lather you'll even agree to marry her in order to get her into bed.

Finally, we must point out that the female language is never more baffling than when a woman is trying to get rid of you--something you'd never guess by her fond and flattering words. She can't just hand you your hat, because for a woman the shortest distance between two points is by way of Southern Rhodesia.

The best way to tell when you're being invited to hit the road is by her performance--not her language. No matter how 14-karat her excuses seem to be, if instead of dates you get excuses or apologies, you can take it for granted that she won't shed tears if you paddle your kayak to a new delta.

Having read this little Baedeker of the female language, you probably feel you are fully equipped to see through the persiflage of the opposite sex. And the average woman will agree.

"You're one of the few men I've ever met," she'll admit, "who really understands women."

Translation: "Ha!"