The Sorry Plight of the Human Male

Let us Assume you have come bouncing into the world, a brand new human male, complete with all your equipment.

It may seem, even to the casual observer, that you are well fitted out, and that you have obvious attributes that your sister does not.

Chances are, too, that you will be larger and heavier, which may lead you to believe that you are also stronger and more durable.

This, unfortunately, is not the case.

As a human male you are the weaker of the two sexes, until now doomed to poorer health and to an earlier death.

The figures are clear and convincing. In the United States the life expectancy of women is 71 years, of men 65-1/2. Women recover from diseases more easily and frequently, are physically superior to men in almost every way. They are sixteen times less likely to have color blindness, seven times less likely to have hysteria, eight times less likely to stutter, far less subject to epilepsy, hemophilia, and most other diseases.

Mentally, too, women are much more stable. You have only to take a swing through our mental hospitals to see that male patients far outnumber females.

Why?

Why is this true? You will find the answer in your chromosomes. The "Y", or male-producing sperm were pitifully neglected by nature. They contain only a niggardly portion of the rich chromosomatic lode -- the "G" chromosomes -- of the female-producing sperm.

Briefly, in the male something has been left out.

Some have tried to shrug this off, as though a chromosome or two made little difference. They have only to look around them every day to see how tragically wrong they are.

Look about you. Note with a smile, if you dare, this tatterdemalion band of human males going bravely on, its hair thinning, its whiskers growing, its paunches expanding, its nerves twitching, its arches falling, without the real power of reproduction or the solace of motherhood.

Note how bravely they stride forward, head erect, eyes clear, and courage firm -- even though barren, sickly, mentally confused and doomed to an early grave.

What Can We Do?

Is there any way we can save these tragic figures, any way to ease their pain, calm their nerves, save their strength, or settle their stomachs?

The answer is a ringing Yes!

We can help the human male -- and though the path is not an easy one, we can follow it, each of us, by reading and putting into effect a number of tested rules.

And these principles are tested. They are not the result of lazy armchair thinking. Our pioneers have gone into the field, experimenting, checking, re-checking.

What you will see here in this series of Playboy articles are only the trials that have succeeded. Those countless ones that have failed have not been listed.

Indeed, some of our researchers have not returned at all, and some only with wrecked lives and twisted minds. To them we all owe a tribute.

But we will be concerned here only with success -- for it can be ours!

Begin now

It is never too early in life -- nor too late -- to begin this study.

If you are a lad of five or six, having this read to you at your mother's knee, good! Like the ballet, the violin, and the tightrope, really fine maleness should begin early.

On the other hand, if you are crowding seventy, it is still not too late to add happy years to your life.

Regardless of your age, after the first few columns you will feel your load begin to lighten, your shoulders straighten, and a new look of courage come into your eyes.

After a few more issues, you will flex your muscles quietly, and as the series gathers momentum, you may have to smother a quiet chuckle or suppress a confident grin. These will come, we must warn you, not from amusement, but from a new assurance, and an anticipation of triumphs to come.

Our purpose, of course, is to instruct, not to amuse. Momentary laughter is of small value weighed against a happier and more abundant life.

The scraps of talk must be taken with this in mind. They are intended, like the accompanying illustrations, only to illustrate difficult points. It may seem to you that they are all taken from a single real life story -- and so most of them are -- but not every incident occurred to our central character. Several have been con-contributed by our researchers working from Maine to California.

The author would like to make it particularly clear that this material is not autobiographical. A natural modesty prevents him from delving into the labyrinths of his own checkered career.

How to help your, mother help you

In your very cradle you will be told that there is nothing like a mother, and of course this is true.

Your mother will be, in a sense, your first training ground. She will be your first contact with the female sex. Study her carefully. The lad who learns early how to get around his mother has made a fine start.

Let Books Guide You

Luckily we live in an enlightened age, one in which child psychology has replaced the more vigorous methods of raising children.

However, even today it is not always safe to assume that your mother has a book on child guidance. If she does not, by all means supply her with one. Many fine volumes have been put out in paper covers and can be bought for a few cents. They are within the reach of any child's allowance, and are an excellent investment. Best not to let your mother know who bought the book, if you did. Try this method:

"Mommy, why did Daddy bring this book home?"

"Oh, did he, Davie?" (She will pick it up.) "Well, well. Daddy brought it, did he?"

(Then of course you will have to speak to your father.)

"Daddy, why did Mommy bring this book home?"

This will cause a little harmless confusion and will guarantee a careful reading for the book.

Though they come in many colors and sizes, you will find that these books are all built around one premise: the child is often misunderstood, but never really bad. Punishment merely causes resentment and injures the relationship between child and parent.

Encourage this point of view. You will find that no matter what you do, you have done it for a deep-seated reason, and it wasn't your fault. In fact, the book will show that it was your parents' fault. There is no such thing, you will discover, as a bad boy.

"Charles, I don't know what to do with little David! He's been putting frogs in the deep freeze again."

(Or whatever experiments you may have been carrying on.)

"Well, shall I get out the old belt?"

"Charles! Do you want to give him a mental block? Mischief is often a symptom that the child feels unloved and unwanted."

"Oh?"

"Why, you underlined that passage yourself!"

"I didn't."

"Well, someone did. I think we should do something nice for Davie."

Besides making life more bearable for you, these books will help you to keep your mother well adjusted. A mother who is uncertain, who feels at a loss for the right thing to do, is not a mother you will be proud to show to your friends.

After a while, as your mother becomes more confident, you can branch out into all sorts of activities. The more complicated you seem to her, the better.

Be a challenge to her.

Can I shape her Character?

However, you will find that in most cases you have arrived too late to do your mother much good. She will already be set in her ways.

Nevertheless, it is often surprising what a determined young man can do. Don't expect to find this in books! There are no volumes available on how to raise healthy mothers. You must improvise.

But remember you cannot expect to change her character, only to mend her ways. A shy, retiring mother cannot be made into a roaring extrovert, or vice-versa.

Be tactful. It is best not to let your mother know you are trying to improve her character. The wise son is casual and indirect, but alert.

Temper Tantrums

No matter how well you handle her, your mother is only human and may occasionally be given to fits of anger, or temper tantrums. This may result from her feeling helpless and frustrated.

At these times she may forget the child psychology books and take violent action, doing things she will be sorry for later.

Some boys use this as an opportunity to throw tantrums themselves. Think better of this! Kicking and screaming will only excite her further. It is best to keep a level head and lie low until tempers cool.

Quiet her Fears

At one time or another all mothers are frightened. You may find that your mother develops strange, unreasoning fears of normal everyday things like rats, mice, snakes, toads, or spiders -- things you play with every day.

It is unwise to use these things against your mother except in emergencies. A frightened mother is not an efficient mother and you both will suffer.

Don't try to shame her out of her fears. It will make her feel even less sure of herself. Instead, show her she has no real reason to be frightened.

"Here, Mom, just pick him up by the tail. He won't hurt you."

However, it is best to instill just enough fear so that she will be careful. A fearless mother can be a careless mother, and also one that is more difficult to control.

Punishment

No matter how hard you try to avoid it, there will be times when punishment is necessary.

You will find, however, that physical punishment. is not effective. Rakes left on the lawn, roller skates on the stairs, a swinging door, or a loose board may stop a mother from what she is doing, but will have small lasting value, and will set up walls of resentment.

They will not result in a better mother.

Psychological methods have far more lasting results.

1. The hunger strike.

This is one of the most effective ways to bring a mother quickly into line. Several days of seeming not to eat will perform miracles. No need, of course, to be actually hungry. It is safe to snack at friends' houses in mid-afternoon, or to dip temporarily into savings.

2. Tears.

Tears are valuable only if used with restraint. Shrieking and wailing have small lasting effect. The trembling lip and the tearful eye are worth a hundred ear-splitting yowls in actual results -- and it is results you are after.

3. Night tactics.

Usually the above methods will correct the most stubborn mother. However, in extreme cases you may have to resort to night tactics. This is strong (continued on page 59) Sorry Plight(continued from page 48) medicine and should be used only when all else has failed.

Wake at regular intervals during the night, say at one, three, and five A.M. Cry loudly. Soon your mother will answer. You may be either (1) too hot, (2) too cold, (3) hungry, (4) thirsty, (5) afraid of a bad dream, or (6) overdue at the W.C.

The expert, however, prefers the simple meaningless wail, which cannot be disposed of with a "Well, go on down and get some graham crackers," or other suggestion allowing the mother to stay in bed. She will come in on the double.

"What's the matter, Davie?"

"Mother, you look lovely with your hair down!"

(Choose any of her good points. Flattery here is effective.)

"Are you all right?"

"Almost, mother, almost. Nothing you can do. Just sit here a while with me, will you?"

If she brings you to a psychologist (and she may) it is best to take the fellow aside quietly:

"Yes, Master David?"

"Just wanted to brief you, doctor. If mother says anything about howling at night, I pretend I did it. No use frightening her, you know."

"You didn't cry out?"

"Hardly! Ask father."

(You may assume your father will sleep through all this. Fathers always do.)

The doctor will comfort and reassure her. This is what he has been trained for, and what he is well paid to do.

Remember, though, that in most cases punishment of any kind is not necessary. Mothers are anxious for approval and will go to considerable lengths to obtain it.

Give her the opportunity to please, and then be generous with your praise.

A word of caution

By following these simple rules you can make your mother useful and happy. She will thank you for it.

You will not only be saving your strength and soothing your nerves, you will be learning, and many of the lessons learned in helping your mother will be valuable in dealing with other women.

However, remember this major difference between mothers and other females: your mother is the only female who will want, from the start, to do something for you. Other women will always begin by wanting you to do something for them.

This is why it is so necessary to bring out the mother in all women as soon as possible. It is far easier to do than it sounds. We will go into it more fully in our later articles.

Meanwhile your body is growing. Make sure your character grows with it!

How to be Irresistible

In Short Pants

You may feel, once you have properly trained your mother, that you have no further need to worry about the female world. Unfortunately this is not true.

However, for the next ten years or so, girls of your own age should be completely beneath your notice.

True, your first sight of the schoolyard, filled with laughing girls, will terrify you. This feeling will last for several years -- unless you remember this simple fact: males are afraid of females only at the time when females can do them no damage whatever, which is when the males are in short pants. This is no doubt some simple instinct of nature, and should be disregarded entirely.

Set your Sights high

Devote much of your attention during this period to the playing fields. You will be building the fine physique that will be so valuable in later years.

But indoors, remember that your first exercises as a human male have begun.

Concentrate entirely on mature women and begin practicing the masculine charm which will later become second nature to you. The lad who learns how to charm women while still in short pants will have few worries in the trying years to come.

Be a little Boy

Though your object will be to charm the fully grown female, you will suceed best by being a little boy.

This is effective even when you are a little boy, and later, when you are not, it will still be good. Thus it is important not only to seem as little as possible, but to remember how you did it.

It is not as simple as it seems. For example, one of the best ways to seem little is to pretend to be big.

"See how big I am, Miss Jones?"

"My goodness, you are big, Davie!"

"Feel my muscle!"

(Do not harden the muscle fully in these demonstrations. No use revealing your true strength.)

You will soon discover that actual size has nothing to do with it. Women prefer tall men and small boys -- and they are happiest of all when they find a male who is both at the same time.

Be unbuttoned

This is closely related but subtly different. Being unbuttoned is an attitude, and can be assumed by expert boys with every button firmly buttoned.

Women, you will soon learn, have a fetish for neatness in everything but human males. They fidget to see a littered desk or a cluttered living room, but they have a weakness for men who look like unmade beds.

You must learn, while you are still portable, to look unbuttoned, or tousled. Be an island of confusion in a sea of tidiness. A smudge on the knee, a smear of lipstick on the forehead, or shoes put on the wrong feet -- these are all good.

The real expert, however, can simply assume an unbuttoned expression without disturbing a hair. This is best of all, (concluded on page 61)Sorry Plight(continued from page 59) but takes practice.

Later, as you reach manhood, the same principles will apply, but they must be carried out with greater care and subtlety. We will cover this, too, in a later article.

Be Incompetent

Women will always like you more for what they do for you than for what you do for them. This is true at any age, and it is well to begin practicing it early. Your object is to seem to be a blundering but lovable idiot.

"I'm just all thumbs when it comes to tying ties. Will you help me, Miss Jones? Father says you're such a comfort in the office."

"I'd love to, Davie! Just jump up on my lap."

She may not be able to tie as neat a knot as you can, but you will soon learn there is more in life than well-tied cravats.

Be Demonstrative

Women like gestures of open affection. Approach the woman of your choice with a rush and fling your arms around her as you grow taller. Thus you will, in a sense, work your way up.

The cuddle or snuggle is effective, too. Land suddenly on the proper lap and hang on. No need to talk, though a honeyed word or two will do no harm.

When you have reached the size at which it is debatable who should get on whose lap, you have gone beyond the bounds of this first installment. But do not be impatient! All this will be thoroughly explored in future issues.

Be a bone of contention

Women are always competing with each other. Use this to your advantage. It is never too early to begin.

Valuable as it is to put your arms around a woman, it is twice as valuable if another woman is watching. Jealousy will begin to work in the neglected woman.

"Davie, come over here and see what I've got for you!"

She will have something interesting. What it will be will differ as you grow older.

How to handle teachers

Luckily for you, most elementary school teachers are women. You should be able to handle them just as easily as you do other women, and with the same methods.

Avoid the old clichés. For example, bringing an apple to the teacher is bad. On the contrary:

"May I borrow your apple, Miss Brown?"

"Oh, Davie, are you so hungry?"

"Oh, no! We have plenty at home. Just felt a little weak."

(Always be brave, be manly.)

"You certainly may have my apple, Davie!"

Your object is not the apple. You may not even like apples. You are trying to win her friendship. She will soon forget the lad who brought the apple, but she will long remember the one who borrows it.

No need to stay after school. This is intended as a punishment and will not be used if you seem to regard it in a different light.

The first day you have been kept late, say upon leaving:

"May I stay after school again tomorrow, Miss Brown?"

"Only if you have to be punished again, David."

"Please, please, Miss Brown! Home seems so, well, drab after being with you. May I walk home with you?"

Glance occasionally at her legs. This may have, at your age, no particular significance to you, but it will to her. She will notice it. Women always notice everything.

And you will never have to stay after school again.

Spread Happiness

Your little body will begin to grow, faster than you expect. All the more reason why you should use these golden years wisely, giving yourself a firm foundation on which to build your life.

If you forget everything else, remember this: all older women are hungry for love and affection. Give it to them. It is your duty to spread sunshine. Every bit of happiness you bring to others will return to you a hundred fold.

Spread it -- in fact, spread it thickly. There will always be enough to go around.

Next month: "The first sap of manhood and how it rises"

Pity the poor male without the solace of motherhood.

Women prefer tall men and small boys and are happiest of all when they find a male who is both.