The Treating of Mental Illness

Treating a person for a mental aberration in this day and age is like giving a drowning man artificial respiration without taking him out of the lake. Things have become too confused. Treatment is not my answer. (I have received several badly written letters from a Dr. Carl Gassoway demanding that I state that treatment is his answer. I have no intention of complying with this imbecilic request.)

Although the whole idea of attempting to patch a personality once it has broken down is futile, some of the devices mentioned in the following pages may have value as temporary expedients in so far as they keep the patient in a functional state long enough for him to attack the real cause of his trouble – his environment.

Psychoanalysis

This is a method of treating the milder neurosis by letting the patient talk about himself until he becomes so bored he forgets what was originally wrong with him.* Psychoanalysis has gained wide public acceptance, owing to the tremendous volume of publicity it has received via movies, periodicals, and off-color anecdotes.

In spite of – perhaps because of – the wide acceptance of this method, it has many detractors and has at times been the basis of bitter argument in psychological circles. However, the American Psychiatric Association recently came out strongly in favor of psychoanalysis, recommending it unequivocally, in a twenty-one-page announcement that they released to the press. This statement impartially examined the merits of psychoanalysis from every possible angle and gave two principal reasons for the Association's favorable attitude:

1. It costs twenty dollars an hour.

2. It lasts from eight months to ten years.

The "Price Method" – how it works

There are several approaches to psychoanalysis. I shall take up here an approach that I devised myself and that lack of false modesty has prompted me to name the "Price Method." About this method, the eminent authority. J. Taylor Dorsey. M. D., has said. " . . . Sure-fire! A crackerjack system. Results gotten first time. Just what the public has been waiting for."

The "Price Method" has one tremendous advantage from the standpoint of the would-be psychoanalyst. It requires no diploma.

Because of this advantage, a few Medical Examining Boards here and there have refused to legalize its use. However, it has been recognized by many progressive communities and may safely be practiced in Tierra del Fuego: Mingo Country, Texas; and in Gatooma Province, Southern Rhodesia.

At the present time, the "Price Method" is actually being used by only one doctor, my maternal uncle, J. Taylor Dorsey, of––– . (For reasons of security [J. Taylor Dorsey's]. I cannot give his professional address.)

I will outline briefly here the mechanics of the "Price Method," as practiced by Dr. Dorsey.

The "Price Method" requires little equipment. A couch, a desk, a chair, a pad of notepaper, and a good lawyer.

The most important item is the couch (Figure I).

The unit pictured here is the most up-to-date model and is on sale in metropolitan areas at prohibitive prices. If you wish to avoid a large initial investment in equipment a satisfactory couch may be secured in a more economical way by stealing one.

When a new patient consults Dr. Dorsey, the procedure is as follows. After a preliminary examination of the patient's Heredity, Social Attitudes. Marital Status, and Suit Pockets. Dr. Dorsey tells him to go home and write a complete history of his own life, putting in every detail, no matter how embarrassing or libelous. The patient does this and returns in a few days with the history. Dr. Dorsey then reads the patient's history, corrects the grammar as best he can, changes a few names around, and submits it to True Story Magazine.*

He then arranges for the patient to come to his office at specified times during the week and lie on the couch and talk. While the patient is talking. Dr. Dorsey sits in the easy chair with his notepaper. The proper placing of the chair in relation to the couch is of utmost importance (Figure II).

You will notice that the chair is placed behind the couch, so that the patient cannot see the analyst. There is a reason for this. This is so that once the patient begins talking, Dr. Dorsey can sneak out the door, telephone friends, and take care of customers in his haber – dashery downstairs.*

When about fifty minutes have gone by. Dr. Dorsey sneaks back in, stops the patient from talking, and sends him home. If it isn't possible to stop the patient from talking. Dr. Dorsey sends him home, anyway, with a note to the bus driver pinned to his lapel.

In the event that the patient should discover that Dr. Dorsey has left the room while he is talking, the procedure is as follows. Dr. Dorsey enters and finds the patient standing up, looking nervously about the office. He crosses rapidly to chair, sits down, and begins scowling at his notepaper.

Patient: Doctor? . . . Doctor Dorsey?

Dr. D: (Busy with notes) Mmm . . . mm . . . mmm . . . Oh, what was that?

Patient: Doctor, where have you been?

Dr. D: . . . Been? . . .

Patient: I looked around while I was talking, and you weren't in the room.

Dr. D: Umm . . . very interesting; you looked around and imagined I wasn't in the room!

Patient: But Doctor . . .

Dr. D: (In a soothing tone) Now, now, now, now . . . let's not give in so easily . . ."**

This particular device is Dr. Dor (continued on page 46) Mental Illness (continued from page 37) sey's own contribution to the "Price Method," and he assures me that it has worked perfectly every time he has had to use it.

So much for the mechanics of the visit. These visits are repeated until the patient is (a) cured or (b) runs out of money.

Examples of Analysis

Occasionally, Dr. Dorsey will stay right in the room with the patient (when business is slow in the haberdashery) and makes notes of his talk. The patient's talk is what is called Free Association. This means he just lies there and says whatever happens to come into his mind. Although this sort of thing will appear to have no significance to the layman, the trained "Price Method" analyst can frequently get valuable information regarding the basic cause of the patient's disorder by studying his seemingly random thoughts.

Here are a few examples, taken from Dr. Dorsey's files, that illustrate this technique. First, we have the transcription of the patient's Free-Associative monologue, followed by the doctor's analysis.

Case Number: 67-455-8*

The patient: A large jovial man of 43, happily married for 19 years, employed by an advertising agency. Complained of restlessness and inability to concentrate on work.

Transcription: . . . Sure is hot today . . . had a great day at the office . . . gave Dick Davis a hot-foot . . . ha-ha . . . Davis has cute secretary . . . wore low-cut dress . . . built like a million dollars . . . have to deposit check . . . like bank . . . cute girl in first cage . . . wears low-cut dresses . . . built like a million dollars . . . saw girl on Madison Avenue . . . stopped to look in window . . . stopped beside her, followed her twelve blocks, wanted to give her little pinch . . . wore very low-cut dress . . . built like a million dollars . . . followed tall blonde . . . Wore high-neck dress . . . probably frigid . . . hell with her . . . crowded drugstore for lunch . . . short brunette . . . wore tight sweater . . . built like a million dollars . . . got nasty when I gave her little pinch . . . hell with her . . . rode subway One Hundred Twenty-fifth Street and back . . . no luck . . . saw redhead on Forty-fourth Street ... if gained a few pounds would be built like a million dollars . . . followed her in newsreel theater . . . sat down beside . . . gave little pinch . . . surprised such little theater had such big ushers . . . hell with them . . . went to office . . . new elevator operator . . . plump . . . loose uniform . . . couldn't fool me . . . was built like a million dollars . . . elevator crowded . . . gave her five little pinches . . . rode down and up again . . . gave her two more little pinches ... I was only one left in car . . . she got suspicious . . . hell with her . . . went to office . . . conference with J. P. ... his secretary wearing low-cut dress . . . built like a million dollars . . .

Analysis by Dr. Dorsey: This man spends too much time thinking about money.

Case Number: 33-972-0

The Patient: A small man of 51. Employed as chief accountant by domestic vermouth distributing company, very happily married for ten months to wife, 34 years old. Complained of headaches and spots before eyes.

Transcription: . . . Sure is hot today . . . wonder what we'll have for dinner . . . Ethel fixed creamed mushrooms again last night . . . three months now I've had nothing but creamed mushrooms . . . Ethel likes to fix them . . . wonder if Ethel's cousin Charley dropped by today . . . nice he can come over in afternoons to keep her company . . . nice fellow, her cousin Charley . . . funny . . . I never even knew Ethel had a cousin until that afternoon I came home early from work and happened to meet him . . . nice fellow . . . very fond of me, too . . . goes out in the woods and looks for mushrooms . . . and he doesn't even like them himself . . . Ethel hasn't eaten any of the creamed mushrooms for the past week, either . . . but I pretend I like them because she and Cousin Charley sure enjoy watching me eat them . . . they've been tasting strange the past week . . . mushrooms tasted strange this morning at breakfast . . . but I hate to complain . . . Ethel is so proud of her creamed mushrooms . . . anyway . . . anyway . . . awwwwk . . . (Choking sounds) . . . Doc, could I have a glass of . . . (choking sounds) . . . Awwwkkkwwkkwwwkkk!

Analysis by Dr. Dorsey: Rigor mortis.

Case Number: 81-011-65

The Patient: A thin, worried looking man with pronounced nervous twitch. Indeterminate age. Hair prematurely gray. Wearing blue suit, no shirt, and a rasher of bacon on top of his head. Walked on all fours. Complained of unnatural fears.

Transcriptions . . . Sure is cold today ... I don't like cold because they like cold . . . those spies who follow me and send atomic rays from their eyeballs . . . they want to force me to tell . . . but I won't . . . won't, won't, I'll kill them all . . . ha – ha – has – ha ... I'll kill everyone . . . no, they'll kill me ... I can't escape ... at lunch I disguised myself by stuffing mashed potatoes in my ears . . . but they still recognize me . . . they keep anyone from giving me a job . . . they've stolen all my money ... I don't have a cent left . . . Hm? What's that, Doctor? . . . No, it's true, I don't have a cent ... I don't know how I'll be able to pay you for

Analysis by Dr. Dorsey: A malingerer. Treatment discontinued.

Therapy (Occupational)

If a patient can be induced to learn and practice some simple mechanical skill, he will sometimes forget his original worries and confusions and be fooled into thinking he is actually coping with life. (Ha!) In the spring of 1945 a man named Walter was recommended to me by friends (my friends). He was suffering from schizophrenia, nervousness, and osmosis. I studied this subject carefully. He was a man of unusual appearance. (See Figure III.)

As you will notice, the subject had an eye condition.

The eye condition was not part of his psychosis, but was caused by the fact that he owned two television sets.

I realized that I must lose no time in getting Walter's mind occupied. Thinking of his interest in television. I set him to work in my workshop, and in a few weeks he had invented a revolutionary new type of television set.

The television set has a screen just one inch high, but twenty-two inches long. (See Figure IV.)

It is for people who squint.

I personally think this set has marvelous commercial possibilities. RCA does not agree. Neither does Philco. (Some of those corporations that think they are so smart should have their heads examined, too, if you ask me.) Nevertheless, Walter agreed with me, and he soon became so involved in plans to market his invention that within two months his general mental condition rose twelve per cent and his osmosis disappeared entirely.

Shock Treatment

Recommended for advanced cases. This method requires a great deal of complicated equipment, which you use to pass ten thousand volts of electricity (slightly higher west of the Rockies) through the patient's body. The equipment may either be purchased or constructed at home with an A. C. Gilbert Number 3 Erector Set. (See Figure V.)

This treatment, of course, cannot be used on every Tom. Dick, or Harry who comes along. When using this technique you must be careful to choose patients who have long toes. Also make sure that the patient is not DC. or you will end up with blowing out a fuse (or patient).

Incidentally, if it should become necessary, it is possible to drop slices of bread down the subject's shirt and make toast.

Water Treatment

This treatment consists of plunging a patient rapidly into alternate tubs of hot and cold water. It is recommended for dirty patients.

Hypnotherapy

Several months ago I had a marked success with a hysterical woman patient by placing her under a strong-light until she calmed down somewhat, and then speaking to her quietly as follows: "You should have a new Buick. A Buick is a fine car. You should get a new Buick."

This is what is known as "auto suggestion."

It is highly recommended by Adler, Jung, and General Motors.

Conclusion

These are merely a few of the accepted methods of treating mental disorders. There is not too much literature available on this subject (fortunately), although in 1932 my Grand father Tooten began work on a twelve-volume anthology that would correlate all of the known facts into one definitive treatise. But he couldn't get a ribbon for his typewriter, so he quit and started raising rabbits instead.

So much for treatments. We are now prepared to take up the study of Avoidism.

I am anyway.

*The use of the masculine gender in referring to the "patient" is for purposes of literary simplicity and has no significance. Positively. Do not look for any. Please.

*If you make a sale, reserve motion-picture rights for yourself. Get it in writing. Don't trust magazine editors.

*See Sigmund Frend. The Use of the Tennis Shoe in Psychoanalysis (1930). **This dialogue is copyrighted. Amateur theatrical groups are warned not to attempt to present it without paying me royalties. Especially highschool groups.

*Fictitious number used to conceal patient's real number.

*Fictitious drawing used to conceal real drawing of patient.

In his important series of scientific articles for Playboy, Mr. Price has discussed Your Mind and How It Works (March), Testing Your Personality (June), and The Treating of Mental Illness (November). Next month, he will explain Avoidism, his own optimistic philosophy designed to save modern man from himself. We of Playboy feel that this new philosophy is only slightly less important and world shaking than Darwin's Theory of Evolution. Einstein's Unified Field Theory, and Dior's Plan for Reducing the Birth Rate. We know that the publishing of Price's theories on Avoidism will be an occurrence of some importance in scientific circles, as we have already received several threatening letters and abusive phone calls from various scientists and scientific organizations.

Figure I Couch (side elevation)

Figure II Plan of Dr. Dorsey's office

Figure II Walter

Figure IV Television Set

Figure V Patient* Receiving Shock Treatment