Training Your First Wife

Let us assume you have found the ideal girl, or at least one as close to specifications as was available.

You are about to embark on the first happy voyage of your married life. Young, star-eyed and full of love, you set sail on what must surely be a sea of bliss.

The Golden Time

Once married you begin the careless, repturous days of Just You Two, before you settle down to the serious business of raising a family. Enjoy these blissful days because they will never return.

But remember, these first months were not intended solely for plucking rosebuds. These are the vital months in which the foundations of a marriage are laid.

These are the critical months in the training of a really serviceable wife. Fritter them away if you will and she will be soft and flabby. Use them wisely to toughen her fibres and you will have a helpmeet fit and ready to stand by your side in the more trying days to come.

Keep Her Busy

Since you will probably move at first into a small apartment, your wife may think she has little to do. Shows her how mistaken she is.

"Oh, Davie, it's just too sweet!"

"Glad you like it, Phoebe."

"I'm sure it will simply take care of itself!"

"Well –"

(Give her a long slow look, as though you were beginning to question the whole marriage.)

"I suppose you could let things slide after a while, Phoeb. Once you get it properly cleaned up, that is. Pretty sorry mess right now, isn't it?"

You will find it is virtually impossible for a man to tell whether or not an apartment has been properly cleaned. It is safe simply to assume that it hasn't been cleaned well enough.

The finger method is best for the novice. Wipe one finger on any horizontal surface – table, window sill, book shelf, anything, first making sure that your wife is watching you. Look at the finger just a few seconds, almost absent-mindedly. Shake your head slowely and (continued on next page) then shrug your shoulders.

"Davie, what's the matter?"

"Nothing, Phoeb, nothing."

(Never complain.)

"But I spent all day cleaning."

"Good, fine, pet."

(Go over and kiss her on the forehead. Tenderness belongs in every marriage.)

"But I did, Davie!"

"I know, sweet. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day."

The sideways look at any polished surface, particularly something like a glass-topped coffee table, is almost as effective and makes a nice variation.

Try these and make up new ones of your own. Set her going at a good clip and keep her out of trouble. She will be building both muscle and character for the years ahead.

Set Her a Good Example

By all means encourage and inspire your wife with a good example. If you can, be the good example. If you can, be the good example yourself. But if your health and strength aren't quite what they should be, or if you are saving yourself, you can accomplish the same result without stirring from your easy chair. (This easy chair will soon become the focal point of your house-hold, the center of interest and the mecca toward which your wife, and later your whole family will turn for admiration, guidance, and encouragement.)

A fine example, and is the model wife. If you know some real woman whose life can be an inspiration, so much the better. If not, don't be discouraged. Your purpose is to fire the imagination, not present dull facts.

"Just talking to Joe at the office, Phoeb."

"Oh?"

"Always bragging about his wife.

"'Listen,' I said, 'I'll stack my little woman up against yours any day!'"

(Always be loyal. Defend your wife hotely at all times.)

"Good for you, Davie."

"'Absolute genius,' Joe says, 'Ran up a meal for six people last night for a dollar thirty-seven – and delicious!'"

"Oh?"

"Just work, he says, matter of kneading and pounding – and clear thinking. We'll show him, eh pet?"

A healthy sense of competition will do wonders for a spirited girl.

Buy Cook Books

Another way to keep her alert and busy is to bring home cook books. Dozens of fine ones are available. Before bringing home each book, it is best to set the stage.

For a week or so, eat three or four hamburgers before coming home to dinner. Avoid onions, which may betray you. Sit down hungrily at the table.

"Say, looks good, dear!"

"I hope it will taste good, Davie."

Toy with the food, engage in bright conversation, and smile frequently. However, don't actually eat anything.

After about a week of this, bring her a present.

"Oh, Davie, another cook book! Just what I wanted!"

"Looks like a dandy. I checked a few good entries. See what you think, eh?"

Avoid Time Killers

Light, amusing occupations such as knitting, darning socks, sewing on buttons, and so on may seem harmless to you, but they can develop into bad habits.

The woman who lolls about today in a semi-reclining position patching your pants, say, may very well fritter away two hours tomorrow crocheting a doily or buffing her nails.

Make it clear to her that the efficient woman performs these restful little chores while she is doing something else, such as sitting in the laundromat or waiting for you at the station.

As for daytime television, you have only to glance at homes where it is permitted to see ruined families, cold suppers, men neglected and undernourished, and women who are listless, red-eyed, flabby, and mentally decayed.

However, do not lock the television set. Rely either upon the honor system or, if your wife is lacking in character, quietly remove a tube before leaving in the morning.

Allow all the radio listening she wants, but suggest peppy and stirring music. Studies in some of our large industrial plants show that music increases efficiency, stimulates morale, and raises production.

Shopping Can Be Dangerous

Grocery shopping can be a real danger to the human male.

Every man's fine sensitivity, acute ear, and volatile nature are crushed by a super market. Science estimates that one hour in a large metropolitan food store can take a week to ten days off a man's life.

Your wife may not at first realize this, and it is your duty to her to make this point clear.

The sullen uncooperative attitude will get you nowhere. It is far better to use one of our Power Plays often referred to as The Orgy.

The Orgy.

The very first time your wife asks you to accompany her to the super market, accept easily and almost ecstatically.

"Will I? You bet I will, Phoeb! Love to!"

(Be eager, bright of eye, brisk and keen. Once inside the market, breathe deeply, and swoop noisilyfrom item to item.)

"Davie, you're knocking over the crats!"

"Gosh, Phoeb, something happens to me every time I get into one of these places!"

"Put down those jars of pigs feet!"

"I tell you, I'm going mad, mad! Where's the herring salad?"

"David, we don't need herring salad."

"Never can tell who's going to drop in. Say, what's this? Lieder-kranz! Need five, six of these, huh?Haven't had so much fun in years!"

You may be sure your wife won't ask you to the super market again soon. The few dollars you have spent will return to you many-fold in future happiness, and in longer life.

Don't give up

Time after time you will be discouraged, again and again you will wonder if your wife can be trained. But if you keep at it you will find your efforts have not been in vain.

Next Month: "How to keep your Wife in love with you"